Chili (is fuckin easy to make)

here's what you'll need

  • Large stew pot
  • Large bowl/plate
  • Stirring spoon
  • Knife
  • Cutting board


  • Some kinda oil
  • 1 chopped onion
  • 1 chopped bell pepper
  • 3 cloves minced garlic
  • 2 ribs chopped celery
  • 1 (4-oz.) can chopped green chiles
  • 1 (10-oz.) can tomato sauce
  • 2 lbs ground meat (lean ground beef, ground turkey, or Vegan "meat" crumbles)
  • 5 tbsp chili powder
  • ¼ tsp Black pepper
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • Salt (probs like a tsp)
  • ½ tsp cumin
  • 2 (15-oz.) cans chopped tomatoes
  • 1 (15-oz.) can kidney beans, drained
  • 1 (15-oz.) can red beans, drained


OPTIONAL Ingredients/Garnishes:
  • Vegan "meat" crumbles (instead of actual meat)
  • Crushed red pepper
  • Ground cayenne pepper
  • hot sauce
  • chopped jalapeños
  • cheddar cheese
  • sour cream
  • green onions
  • Fritos
  • Goldfish
  • saltine crackers
  • elbow macaroni
  • An entire hotdog?? Instant chili-dawg. =)
  • etc.

let's make this shit

Okay this is real simple. Chop all your fresh shit. 1 whole onion, 1 bell pepper, 2 ribs celery, 3 cloves garlic, plus any additional peppers or garnishes you want.

Dump your ground meat in the pot and chop it up with your spoon. Cook until just brown and then set aside in a large bowl or plate.

Add some oil to the pot (maybe a tablespoon???). When the oil is hot — let me say it again — WHEN THE OIL IS HOT, throw in your chopped onion, bell pepper, and celery. You should get a satisfying sizzle... the singular pleasure contained in this sound is the entire point of cooking. When you hear that sizzle, you get excited. It's on. You got this.

Cook until the veggies start looking translucent.

Toss in the garlic and add the can of tomato sauce and green chiles.

Add the ground meat back into the pot and stir.

Add: 5 tablespoons chili powder, 1/2 teaspoon cumin, 1 teaspoon oregano, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon black pepper. If you're doing a spicy variation, this is also where you add any cayenne pepper, crushed red pepper, jalepenos, hot sauce, etc, etc, etc.

This shit's starting to smell good, ain't it? Dump in the cans of chopped tomatoes, kidney beans, and red beans. Stir it up good, turn it up until it bubbles and then turn it down to a simmer. Once it's simmering nicely, you can turn it down to medium-low heat, so it's just bubbling, put a lid on it, and go do your laundry.

Stir it every so often, and in about 45 minutes, you'll have a damn good chili to eat for like a week.


  • Make It Spicy:  Add crushed red pepper, ground cayenne pepper, a 4-oz. can of chopped jalapeños, and/or hot sauce or hot pepper paste of your choice. If you add all of this, just be aware that your ass will be on fire in the morning =D

  • Make it Vegan:  Replace ground meat with Vegan "meat" crumbles and don't use any dairy-based garnishes.
  • Make it Hearty:  In a separate pot, boil some elbow macaroni noodles, strain when done, and dump the macaroni into your finished chili. This is called Chili Mac, and it's a gift from god.
  • Make it Sexy:  Garnish with green onion, sour cream, cheddar cheese, Fritos, Goldfish, saltine crackers, and whatever else takes your fancy